On Departures(2)

Dying

My mamee was diagnosed with stomach cancer on 6 April 2006. The initial information was that there was a tumour blocking the archway between her stomach and small intestine, inducing vomitting with any intake of food or fluids. We knew the tumour was cancerous, but the extent and severity of it was unknown. Mamee half-jokingly told me, of a friend of a colleague, passing away less than 6 months upon diagnosis of cancer.But I knew she must have been worried and devastated inside. For me, I felt the only way to tackle this, was to do the necessary 'step-by-step', there was no need to fear death because it was simply too early, and because actual realistic steps could still be taken. Mamee was definitely apprehensive deep down, but she took our advice well, and ímpatiently wanted to be warded, to have the operation to remove the tumour.

Unfortunately, the operation to remove the tumour was a failure. The tumour was too big, and the cancer had spread to the pancreas, rendering surgery not only useless, but also dangerous. The doctors informed us that the cancer was already in the 4th stage, and mamee would have at most 2 years to live; with effective chemotherapy, or only 6 months; if nothing was done, or the chemotherapy counter-productive. We did not let mamee know the duration of the prognosis or the staging of the cancer; but informed her that the tumour was too large to be removed, and the doctor had done a by-pass to allow food intake instead. We would have to go for chemotherapy to hopefully shrink the tumour. This was the second blow to Mamee, while she might not have known the severity of her situation, she definitely knew that things were worser than best hoped for.
Everyone was devastated at the news, I was not. I felt that it was still not time to be so, there were still active measures that we could take, and that we had to take : the chemotherapy, the chinese medicine, and making mamee happy and at peace. To me, you only feel devastated when nothing more can be done.

But I knew deep down, that the possibility that I had spent my last Chinese New Year with Mamee was immense, I was determined that I would be with her every step in her last months if they were, if not to give her strength, then at least to give her comfort and happiness, to let her know that she wasnt alone, to let her know that she was loved and that if she had to go anytime, she would know she had not wasted her life on earth. I accompanied her for strolls in the park, to all her chemotherapy sessions, and massaged her legs at night. Everyday, I told her to close her eyes fully (as her medical condition meant she would not do so voluntarily) and show me her tongue playfully.

Mamee came home to stay after a period at my maternal grandmother's home. Perhaps my siblings and my father did not afford and accord her the amount and level of time and accompaniment, and mamee felt frustrated at them at times. Now this really devastated me, I knew resentment would only worsen her condition. I tried to explain the severity of her condition to them, but it seemed they were convinved that somehow, she would live on. It was the case that their relationship with mamee was not at the level of mine, there had been differences over the years and they found it difficult to be this close to her. Nevertheless, their love and concern for her were undoubtable. Papa went round the world looking for cures, my sister who had spent the majoirty of nights with her in the hospital alone, started doing all the housework, as mamee always wanted. In her condition, it was difficult for mamee to appreciate all this now, and "cold wars' even started between her and them. It all got to me one night, and I broke down when I was with mamee alone in her room, she broke down too, and promised me that she would change, as I explained to her their love as well. It was at this time that I felt stronger than ever before that if you love someone, you must let them know it through your actions as to what they need. Things got better, there was one night when we were all in mamee's room, and Mamee said, ' We are actually one happy family, why must I have cancer?" I felt glad and sad when she said this. Deep down , I knew that she finally knew and appreciated that the entire family was behind her and she was deeply loved.

My 21st Birthday fell on 11 July 2006. Mamee wanted to hold a gathering for me even before she was diagnosed, and her diagnosis did not change this. I on the other hand, wanted to make use of the opportunity to let mamee know my friends, to let her know my life beyond home, to let there be some happy event in the house. And so the gathering was planned. Mamee took it like she had always done for our gatherings She ordered the cake , and went with me to Sheng Shiong to buy 10 bottles of 7-up. Mamee could barely lift a thing now withour panting, but there she was, as if everything were normal, just like how she had prepared for my Primary School Class Gathering the year earlier. And this would be my last active memory of Mamee, doing everything for me.

On 11 July 2006 itself, Mamee would wish me her last 'Happy Birthday' ,take her last photograph with the family, at the dining table, with my Birthday cake. On that night itself, I received the email that her chemotherapy had not worked. For the first time, I could not sleep. But in the morning I woke up, and knew right away, fully convinced, that now wasn't the time to get worried either, we still had the Chinese Medcine! And that was what Mamee was everntually convinced to believe too. We put our faith in the Chinese Medcine. It was at this time that Papa got a serious flu, and I would sleep with Mamee alone in the night. These nights, we listened to old songs from her time, discussed her past, and I told her more about myself that I had kept to myself all along. Every night, Mamee would tell me 'Thank you, son'. I never felt so proud of myself.

August 1st 2006. Mamee left home to be hospitalised again. She could not eat yet again, and her legs started to swell. She absolutely was destroyed mentally. The doctor informed me that her kidneys were severly affected, and while they would try some measures to correct the damage, chances of success were slim, and the next few weeks/months would be very difficult. I knew that my mother's dying was inevitable now. But still it wasn't time to despair, because there were still things to be done!

I spoke to mamee for the first time on death seriously, and I said,''' Now mamee, the doctors are still saying we can correct the kidney problem. And your cancer has not spread beyond the 4th stage, and they are disappointed that you are acting as if you were a terminal patient.'' With the encouragement of Papa and her brothers,Mamee gained the strength for yet another shot at life. But my more important words would follow, " But Mamee, in the event that things continue to worsen and you really have to die, we must be prepared for it, not only must you be prepared for it, you must know that you can prepare everyone else for it as well. There are 2 aspects to dying, the first is to leave this world with no regrets, and it's not only yourself that must have no regrets, you must make sure you give the people around you to chance to have no regrets too, letting them accomplish your last wishes, or simply holding your hand in hospital. The other is to be convinved and prepared for life after death, that your faith in Buddhism and Guan Yin will deliver you, and to do that, would require chanting, and meditation. I will hold your hand all the way and go thorugh this entire process with you together.'' Her condition actually improved for 2 days after the minor operation on the kidneys, but soon the cancer overwhelmed even that and she started to deteriorate rapidly.

Mamee decided to go back to my grandmother's home to stay when the doctors informed that there was little more they could do. I knew Mamee would die in 89 Thong Soon Green. But she took on her last nights most admirably. She held on to everything I had said. She woke me up in the middle of the night to give her last instructions while she could speak very clearly, she looked at the old photo albums, she chanted and prayed. 2 days before she actually passed away, Mamee actually thought she was going to pass away, and she took the opportunity to tell my siblings, my family and the relatives her last words to them, telling them all not to worry,and chanted continuously, with Guan Yin photo in one hand, chanting beads in the other. For all her fear of seeing death of others when she was alive, she was remarkably strong when it came to facing her on. She never gave up till the last day, and waited for a Chinese Doctor to see her and prescribe medcine on Friday, 25th August. When she realised she could no longer swallow the medcine, Mamee knew her end was upon her. And unable to speak now, she would write her last words on the morning of her death on 26th August 2006, '"Firstly, all must be forgiving'". She slipped into semi-consciousness on that afternoon, and full coma at about 6.30 pm. My last words to her, spoken at 8pm were '' Dear Mamee, you know we love you, and we know you love us. Now, you will let go, and after that I will make sure we all let go. Keep your faith in Om Mani Padme Hum, and I will do my part to recite the scriptures after you die'.'At 8.06pm, with all of us by her bedside, chanting strongly,my dearest Mamee breathed her last breath and closed her own eyes for the very last time.

Death is an active process. There is no space for fear or resentment. I'm glad my Mamee proved that. I'm proud my entire family was by her side.I hope with greater appreciation now of each other, my family can grow even more bonded, and that all people who know this story, will realise that in this world, acting on your appreciation when you have any opportunity to, is absolutely the most priceless and meaningful thing.