View from a Window

I sometimes think..
that everything on the ground looks different
but the sky always seems the same.
whereever i am,
and home is not too far away.

On Improvement

3 Good Reasons Why I'll emerge From Cardiff a Stronger Person

1. I am the only overseas student in my entire course of 60 people, and am the only overseas student in my hall of accomodation of 64 people.

2. I have not met any Singaporeans, and the majority of my company are Cantonese-speaking Hong Kongers, Chinese & Malaysians.

3. My course includes written examinations(pretty much like JC), oral presentations(very difficult since my accent and tone is no longer considered natural), and yes drawing up of plans and maps(my greatest challenge).

78 Colum Road

My Dad stayed here 25 years ago(as informed by S N Foo)!

My School (Glamorgan Building)

Alexandra Gardens (just next to my school)

On Why I am Not Lonely Now

Time difference and the internet chat networks (MSN) works wonders. The knowledge that when I am asleep, people I love are getting on with their everyday lives, ie. going to school, work etc. makes me sleep well. When I am awake myself, and they are sleeping, I am occupied by my work.

During the beautiful times when all are awake, the interaction, the face-to-face, and voice-to-voice, comforts that we are all still so close physically even. And What can be more true than sight and sound. Still, The thought.

It's the heart that plays tricks on us, an in times as such, we are lucky that we can cajole the heart to believe the senses, that love is still pretty much the same, and that loneliness is but a self-imposed prison. And if we cant, love must trust love.

That is the only way, I think, to truly be comforted. Finding new friends constantly to plug gaping holes is never, and will never be a solution, as true love with friends and family is always present, and never needs replacement.

Loneliness is a lack of confidence & security. Such is to be and must be overcome, by nothing less or more, but love.

Cardiff Castle & City Centre

From Cardiff Central Train Station to London

On Self-Exploration

Without any Singaporeans to go into comfort zone with, I've been really forced to either mix around with people of all nationalities, or move around myself. In the end, I have done both. My 7 floormates are all Brits! I've spoken to them abit , but mostly to one guy who went round with me quite a bit on Saturday morning. They are mostly friendly, but they drink and pub alot. I guess its a battle to maintain a good relationship without engaging frequently in such activities with them.

Walked round Cardiff City alone on Friday, sorted out my phone line, and stepped into a Casino to see what it's like. Took the Natl Rail to London to meet up with Zhiquan & Llewellyn. We went to Chinatown at Leicester Sq & Covent Garden. Many buskers everywhere, very amusing place, many foreigners(it would be hard for singapore to recreate this)! And London is like the movies, all the tall and ancient buildings. I'll definitely be back to catch some plays since I now know I can get to London for 10 pounds and not the 52 I paid this time round! But I prefer Cardiff, it's smaller, and more assessible and managable for a recluse like myself.But I really would be more comfortable if there were 1 singaporean I knew in Cardiff. Realy felt happy to see Lulu and Zhiquan! Its meeting in a foreign land that brings us today I guess.

Met with my Hong Kong friends for dinner when I got back to Cardiff. I think I am lucky that people are taking the initiative to contact me and go out with me. Also exchanged numbers with a few Indian Nationals. I am really passive when it comes to such, but when people I find ok take the initiative, I am more than happy to oblige.

I am looking forward to school starting. I want to get down to studying, and not have so much time on my hand. =p That would be a real balanced life!

To mix around with all groups, and not to lose myself! That's the way!

Aunty Susan's Grand House

Bute Park (next to Talybont)

6-2-2-5 Talybont South

On Cardiff

Many thanks to the wonderful people who came to send me off, or who had me in their hearts as I flew off yesterday. It was organized but touching at the airport. I am glad so many turned up and called, your support will go a long way in giving me strength to do well in Cardiff!

The decision to go by Coach from Heathrow was a good one. Met many Asian/Chinese, made friends quite immediately with a few Malaysians, Hong Kongers (plenty), Taiwanese & Chinese. Everyone seemed in a hurry to know each other and make new friends anyway. I guess as people grow up, the more they feel lonely and out of place being solitary. The coach ride to Cardiff was pretty much normal, by my standards, I saw Sheep! and a Windmill(for the first time), but apart from that, the scenery was not particularly breathtaking.

The arrival procedures in Cardiff was planned very well, it went smooth, till I had to carry my 4 bags of luggage myself, some 200 m, up 2 flights of stairs, from the Key Reception to my Room. My address is Second Floor Flat 2 Room 5, House 6 Talybont South, Trotman Dickinson Pl, CF 14 3UU. I was very happy with my little secluded corner, I felt happy just to make phone calls back to Singapore, unpack my luggage, and see what I needed to buy. It was nice to be alone. My room is painted a dark shade of Sky Blue!!! And I've bought classic White Bed Sheets to match! It's carpeted and the toilet is very clean! I've bought airfreshners in both the toilet and the room. I'm convinced to making this little room a real retreat haven. The only sore was the internet connection, which seemed to run into many problems, but as I am using it now, I have obviously resolved it. (The MSN does not seem to be able to Video Conference/Voice Call though, very worrying. Will see what I can do)

Soon though, I needed to go to Tesco Supermarket to buy all the stuff, and now, I was thankful that one Malaysian boy, Kaiyi, was happy to accompany me. The park next to my accomadation is real classic, and we jogged along it on the way. I see myself exercising quite a bit now, anyway, someone cant stand fat people. Soon night fell, and we both went to the City Centre, on foot! It was quite a torture to me, I hate to walk and wander in unknown territory! In the end, we had BK in a rather quiet City Centre (perhaps, we did not delve far enough), and walked back.

I got back to my little room, with everything in good order, and tried to connect to the internet again. It took another 4-5 hours before it was finally up. And then, there were lots of noises outside my room, I presume that the other people staying at my floor have returned. And somehow, I just fear when I hear noise, I think it's me not wanting to have to meet people again, especially not at 3am in the middle of the night! Esp. when I'm like the only Singaporean in a long distance!

However, sooner enough, I'll have to kick out of this "comfort-zone retreat" and go into forced positiveness & activity. It's not easy, I guess. But I am so happy and glad that all in Singapore are a phone call away when I need to talk! Thanks, my family, Yun Ching, Zhiqing! With that alone, I'll definitely make it through this initial phases. After all, the people here are nice, and Cardiff is really just a little University town with buildings not more than 4 storeys high! And, there is lots more to explore! I need to go into Explorer mode, and not treat this like some short hoiliday and be content to rest in the hotel! And then, I'll start thinking of how to bring all of you around when you come over! Yes, such plans really do make me naturally positive and pro-active.

I hope the internet stabilises from now on, and yups, I'll post photographs from my wonderful room, the park, and the University soon!

By the way, for all interested, my room is currently decorated with the following :
1) Family Photographs!
2) Unleash Your Potential Motivational Card (from Mrs Tay & Mrs Ong)
3) Hao Jie's Painstaking & beautifully touching Drawing Board!
4) My Personal File of Writings & Letters
5) The Blue Day Book (from Meina, Liena, Micheal)
6) The Cooking Recipes (from Wenyuan & Ruixiang)
7) Jade Laughing Buddha (from Patrick)
8) Thank You Teacher Card from 6/4 (2006) RSS!
8) Zhiqing's Box!
9) A Monkey Called Bonkees (from Valerie)
10) A Little Bear Called Baby (from the silly girl =p)

And yes, I have lots and lots of tidbits! =)

Confessions of a Little Boy

-I do not think much about anything actually, I'm unable to.

-My world is only made up of what makes me happy and what makes me sad.

-I still wake up every morning thinking it will be a brilliant day.

-I'll do whatever I can to make me happy, and cry and sulk when I am sad.

-I think I am grown-up, and I can do everything myself.

-I can get lost sometimes.

-I remember only good things, and forget the rest.

On Clarity of Self-Thought

"Often i wonder if what i think is universal is only what i feel because of the circumstances i am in, but i'll never know, because everything human is definitely circumstantial, but that doesnt mean what you derive from circumstances cant be universal, even if the circumstances arent universal." Cexiang

From my conversation with Hao Jie, MSN 1315 hrs, 10 Sep 2006

On Departures(3)

Leaving

These last 2 weeks before I fly for UK, I have met up and spent time with many people who featured strongly at one point or another in my life. Any disorientation I felt at my mum's passing were greatly comforted by these meetings, and I would recount a few that have already occurred.

On 7th September 2006, I brought my sister, brother, Uncle Sui Qiang & maid up Swissotel to the Equinox for high tea. I felt really happy doing so. I really want to let my siblings know that whatever I can do or feel for my friends, I would do so twice that amount for them. I may spend little time with them, but I fully appreciate that they confide in me, trust me, and look up to me. They are wonderful siblings, of which I treasure more than anything else in this world. My Uncle has been an incredible pillar of support to my family during the entire process of my mum's illness. He has been a rock of the family, for my dad, aunties, uncle and grandmother most importantly, I could never feel enough gratitude to him. As for my maid, amongst all her scolding from my mum, she took care of her tillher last day, and continues to put the interests of the rest of us as her prirority. I appreciate her having sacrificed the years with her own daughter to take care of my family, and for that, I am indebted forever too. And so, if there was one treat that I wanted to give, it was this one.

On 7th September 2006, SnR met as a whole (w/o Weisi who is back in Oxford) for the first time in more than a year. I always felt an unbelievable bond with these group of people, but along the way, some of them might not. But I think that this gathering affirmed to each and everyone that what we have here is truly a most remarkable connection, be it on the backdrop of gloriously surreal moments or numerous birthday celebrations. We sat down and looked at what we wanted to be in 5 years time, '' I can only remember saying that I want to be able to distinguish my hopes from my expectations,and relegate all expectations to as minimal a level as possible. I also want to close my options, and be happy with what I have.'' The coming together of the 9 of us was a result of consequence, our working together a result of obligation, but the desire to hold on to this bond, is a choice. Aa choice that I hope all of us can take without doubts or fears of what tomorrow may bring, but with the conviction that I'll hold on till the end because it's something sustainable, even if the circle expands, as it must.

On 8th September 2006, my former tuition teacher brought his family to my house to celebrate his son's 5 year old birthday. Teacher Patrick has been most supportive, even bringing his family to my mum's cremation', where his children hugged and comforted me and my siblings. I am greatly moved by his actions for my family, the love and concern he has shown. I really enjoy playing with children and his 2 children are a great bundle of joy! Whethere it is video-ing little Marcus closing himself in the wardrobe, or letting him beat me up, or playing computer games with Joseph, I think, children always remind the world that actually, there is much reason to be happy. I really thank Teacher, from his original tuition sessions, without which I would have struggled in Secondary School, and till now, becoming a wonderful family friend.

On 8th September 2006, I met up with my Primary School teachers, Mrs Rosemary Tay & Mrs Ella Ong, together with my Primary school classmates, Llewellyn, Daniel & Lydia. The feeling that after 10 years, my teachers are stil so ever concerned and caring is simply indescribable. That all of us can still meet and talk endlessly is really unbelievable. These are the very teachers that have moulded the confidence and ability in me, and given me the opportunities to prove to myself that I was somebody, and up till now, their confidence and hopes of me still continue to fuel that self-belief in me, and for all this, I am forever thankful and will always think of them as inspiration as I go on the final lap of formal education. Definitely, my parents involvement in the school, be it my Dad's Angie cakes, or my mum's frequent visits to the teacher's and sending me to school played a great part to make all these ties even possible.

On 9th September 2006, I went to my Piano Teachers' house to meet him. My Wong gave me a red packet to wish me well in my studies overseas. I soon found myself back in the piano room where I had spent more than 10 years of my life, from a 5 year old accompanied (sometimes forced) by my mum every lesson, to a 17 year old going myself. Mr Wong played CDs on Chinese Classical Music, of which the next concert would be about. And I remembered the times when all this was a weekly event, playing the piano, commenting on music. Musical workshops, concerts, the fear of not playing well leading to the final joy at a good performance to taking on the Stage Manager role and directing a whole new generation. My musical education would rate as highly as my formal school education when it comes to measuring the influence they have on my life. I learnt true appreciation of beauty and relaxation in 47 Cardiff Grove.

On 5th, 7th, 9th September 2006, my aunty Sue brought her son Brian over for tuition. I have been tuitioning Brian since my mum was diagnosed, and aunty Sue would take the opportunity during the tuition time to talk to my mum. This allowed my mum to feel useful as she prepared dinner for them every lesson, and feel happy that I was helping my cousin. Tuitioning Brian was a good form of relaxation to me and I really enjoy it all, and I knew that aunty Sue did all this more for our family, rather than really in the expectation that Brian's chinese improves under me. And this has been a real show of active support from my relatives, the actual doing of something to make things better.

On 4th, 5th, 9th September 2006, I met a really special person . I'm really comforted that before I leave Singapore, I finally found out that to like someone is to look forward to every meeting, even if I have some stupid unhappiness towards you, do nothing and just sit there, or worse still, end up talking about insignificant and yet depressing stuff. For all the good and wonderful things that have happened in my wonderful 20 years, perhaps the only thing that I felt I lacked was a girl who I could do things I enjoyed with, but enjoy the company more than the things.And I'm thankful to you, that despite all your many difficulties, you have found time to be there always. For all the infatuations and crushes, I finally liked someone.

There will yet be more meetings with significant people to come up till I leave. I cannot believe that from family, to relative, to teacher, to tuition teacher, to piano teacher, to friends, I've had so so many people showering me with love. I just want to thank everyone for stepping forward at this point of time, reminding me of who I am and having so much love and faith in me. Life has been most kind to me, and the least I could do, is to continue to be the Foo Cexiang that all of you know and treasure.

On Departures(2)

Dying

My mamee was diagnosed with stomach cancer on 6 April 2006. The initial information was that there was a tumour blocking the archway between her stomach and small intestine, inducing vomitting with any intake of food or fluids. We knew the tumour was cancerous, but the extent and severity of it was unknown. Mamee half-jokingly told me, of a friend of a colleague, passing away less than 6 months upon diagnosis of cancer.But I knew she must have been worried and devastated inside. For me, I felt the only way to tackle this, was to do the necessary 'step-by-step', there was no need to fear death because it was simply too early, and because actual realistic steps could still be taken. Mamee was definitely apprehensive deep down, but she took our advice well, and ímpatiently wanted to be warded, to have the operation to remove the tumour.

Unfortunately, the operation to remove the tumour was a failure. The tumour was too big, and the cancer had spread to the pancreas, rendering surgery not only useless, but also dangerous. The doctors informed us that the cancer was already in the 4th stage, and mamee would have at most 2 years to live; with effective chemotherapy, or only 6 months; if nothing was done, or the chemotherapy counter-productive. We did not let mamee know the duration of the prognosis or the staging of the cancer; but informed her that the tumour was too large to be removed, and the doctor had done a by-pass to allow food intake instead. We would have to go for chemotherapy to hopefully shrink the tumour. This was the second blow to Mamee, while she might not have known the severity of her situation, she definitely knew that things were worser than best hoped for.
Everyone was devastated at the news, I was not. I felt that it was still not time to be so, there were still active measures that we could take, and that we had to take : the chemotherapy, the chinese medicine, and making mamee happy and at peace. To me, you only feel devastated when nothing more can be done.

But I knew deep down, that the possibility that I had spent my last Chinese New Year with Mamee was immense, I was determined that I would be with her every step in her last months if they were, if not to give her strength, then at least to give her comfort and happiness, to let her know that she wasnt alone, to let her know that she was loved and that if she had to go anytime, she would know she had not wasted her life on earth. I accompanied her for strolls in the park, to all her chemotherapy sessions, and massaged her legs at night. Everyday, I told her to close her eyes fully (as her medical condition meant she would not do so voluntarily) and show me her tongue playfully.

Mamee came home to stay after a period at my maternal grandmother's home. Perhaps my siblings and my father did not afford and accord her the amount and level of time and accompaniment, and mamee felt frustrated at them at times. Now this really devastated me, I knew resentment would only worsen her condition. I tried to explain the severity of her condition to them, but it seemed they were convinved that somehow, she would live on. It was the case that their relationship with mamee was not at the level of mine, there had been differences over the years and they found it difficult to be this close to her. Nevertheless, their love and concern for her were undoubtable. Papa went round the world looking for cures, my sister who had spent the majoirty of nights with her in the hospital alone, started doing all the housework, as mamee always wanted. In her condition, it was difficult for mamee to appreciate all this now, and "cold wars' even started between her and them. It all got to me one night, and I broke down when I was with mamee alone in her room, she broke down too, and promised me that she would change, as I explained to her their love as well. It was at this time that I felt stronger than ever before that if you love someone, you must let them know it through your actions as to what they need. Things got better, there was one night when we were all in mamee's room, and Mamee said, ' We are actually one happy family, why must I have cancer?" I felt glad and sad when she said this. Deep down , I knew that she finally knew and appreciated that the entire family was behind her and she was deeply loved.

My 21st Birthday fell on 11 July 2006. Mamee wanted to hold a gathering for me even before she was diagnosed, and her diagnosis did not change this. I on the other hand, wanted to make use of the opportunity to let mamee know my friends, to let her know my life beyond home, to let there be some happy event in the house. And so the gathering was planned. Mamee took it like she had always done for our gatherings She ordered the cake , and went with me to Sheng Shiong to buy 10 bottles of 7-up. Mamee could barely lift a thing now withour panting, but there she was, as if everything were normal, just like how she had prepared for my Primary School Class Gathering the year earlier. And this would be my last active memory of Mamee, doing everything for me.

On 11 July 2006 itself, Mamee would wish me her last 'Happy Birthday' ,take her last photograph with the family, at the dining table, with my Birthday cake. On that night itself, I received the email that her chemotherapy had not worked. For the first time, I could not sleep. But in the morning I woke up, and knew right away, fully convinced, that now wasn't the time to get worried either, we still had the Chinese Medcine! And that was what Mamee was everntually convinced to believe too. We put our faith in the Chinese Medcine. It was at this time that Papa got a serious flu, and I would sleep with Mamee alone in the night. These nights, we listened to old songs from her time, discussed her past, and I told her more about myself that I had kept to myself all along. Every night, Mamee would tell me 'Thank you, son'. I never felt so proud of myself.

August 1st 2006. Mamee left home to be hospitalised again. She could not eat yet again, and her legs started to swell. She absolutely was destroyed mentally. The doctor informed me that her kidneys were severly affected, and while they would try some measures to correct the damage, chances of success were slim, and the next few weeks/months would be very difficult. I knew that my mother's dying was inevitable now. But still it wasn't time to despair, because there were still things to be done!

I spoke to mamee for the first time on death seriously, and I said,''' Now mamee, the doctors are still saying we can correct the kidney problem. And your cancer has not spread beyond the 4th stage, and they are disappointed that you are acting as if you were a terminal patient.'' With the encouragement of Papa and her brothers,Mamee gained the strength for yet another shot at life. But my more important words would follow, " But Mamee, in the event that things continue to worsen and you really have to die, we must be prepared for it, not only must you be prepared for it, you must know that you can prepare everyone else for it as well. There are 2 aspects to dying, the first is to leave this world with no regrets, and it's not only yourself that must have no regrets, you must make sure you give the people around you to chance to have no regrets too, letting them accomplish your last wishes, or simply holding your hand in hospital. The other is to be convinved and prepared for life after death, that your faith in Buddhism and Guan Yin will deliver you, and to do that, would require chanting, and meditation. I will hold your hand all the way and go thorugh this entire process with you together.'' Her condition actually improved for 2 days after the minor operation on the kidneys, but soon the cancer overwhelmed even that and she started to deteriorate rapidly.

Mamee decided to go back to my grandmother's home to stay when the doctors informed that there was little more they could do. I knew Mamee would die in 89 Thong Soon Green. But she took on her last nights most admirably. She held on to everything I had said. She woke me up in the middle of the night to give her last instructions while she could speak very clearly, she looked at the old photo albums, she chanted and prayed. 2 days before she actually passed away, Mamee actually thought she was going to pass away, and she took the opportunity to tell my siblings, my family and the relatives her last words to them, telling them all not to worry,and chanted continuously, with Guan Yin photo in one hand, chanting beads in the other. For all her fear of seeing death of others when she was alive, she was remarkably strong when it came to facing her on. She never gave up till the last day, and waited for a Chinese Doctor to see her and prescribe medcine on Friday, 25th August. When she realised she could no longer swallow the medcine, Mamee knew her end was upon her. And unable to speak now, she would write her last words on the morning of her death on 26th August 2006, '"Firstly, all must be forgiving'". She slipped into semi-consciousness on that afternoon, and full coma at about 6.30 pm. My last words to her, spoken at 8pm were '' Dear Mamee, you know we love you, and we know you love us. Now, you will let go, and after that I will make sure we all let go. Keep your faith in Om Mani Padme Hum, and I will do my part to recite the scriptures after you die'.'At 8.06pm, with all of us by her bedside, chanting strongly,my dearest Mamee breathed her last breath and closed her own eyes for the very last time.

Death is an active process. There is no space for fear or resentment. I'm glad my Mamee proved that. I'm proud my entire family was by her side.I hope with greater appreciation now of each other, my family can grow even more bonded, and that all people who know this story, will realise that in this world, acting on your appreciation when you have any opportunity to, is absolutely the most priceless and meaningful thing.

On Departures(1)

Prelude

If life had any significance or meaning by itself at all, there can be no greater comfort than a proper sense of closure,to everything in life. To be able to see one's life unfold yet again before one's very own eyes, to see the years gone by coming together, compressed into a few short days, if anything, it allows us the chace to appreciate and understand the importance of the lost memories, and extinguish all possible regrets. It is perhaps the way life is, that it is only departures; supposedly sad and painful, which offer us this unique opportunity, to really live the same life twice, where the distinction between past and present is blurred, allowing us to recognise the only things that really are important to us in life, one more time.

I consider it the greatest blessing in my life, that with the passing of my 21st birthday, I have been faced with 2 departures, each affecting the other, both tremendously affecting me, both allowing me to look back and forth across life, and be able to appreciate life on an unprecedented level, and to understand death for the first time. The first is the dying of my mother, the second, my own leaving for the UK to study. I believe my mother left as early as she did, such that she would not interfere with my going abroad, and it was her passing that brought my entire life before me again before I fly for UK.

And now, I will embark on an incredibly difficult journey, to explain both processes, the process of dying and the process of leaving. And the greatest fortune, is that these were processes and not events.

On Happiness (Expectations)

There is a direct link between happiness and expectations.

We are most happy when we are doing things that we are simply happy to do, with no expectations attached whatsoever. This will include perhaps all leisure activities, and doing things with loved ones. We expect no results from these actions, and simply enjoy the process.

The next level of happiness is when we are doing things that bring us closer to eternal life or God. This might seem expectationless as well, just like the first level, however, upon closer understanding, there is therin the expectation that all these actions will bring us to Heaven after death. Nonetheless, these expectations are unfulfillable during our lifetime, and hence we can keep such hopes for our entire life. Hence, the happiness can still be rather sustained.

The third level of happiness are when we are doing things to stay alive. This refers to the fundamental essentials of food and shelter. It is hard for the modern day middle-class person to actually differentiate this from luxuries, ie. what is essential and what is luxurious.But people who work and do things just to stay alive will experience this.Their expectation is simple: just to stay alive. Staying alive would satisfy them.

The fouth and lowest level is where most people constantly circle in. This is the level where we do things to enjoy or better our lives. This refers to all our actions which we think will improve our lifes, ie. buying a car, chasing a girl etc. Expectations in this level are never-ending.The irony is that most people naturally descend from the 3rd level to the 4th level of happiness as their incomes increase. This can be seen as the working class to middle class sturggle.

We will then realise that there are different facets to everyone's life and noone can actually be classified in any one of the levels as different activities in our life would most probably be classified in the different levels. Hence, how happy we are can be determined by the amount of time we aportion to each levels. The happiest person would spend most of his time doing Level 1 activities and least on Level 4 activities and vice versa for the unhappiest person.

The happiest person will be the one who knows himself best, and is able to identify the activities he would be happy doing and the people to do it with, and have the ability to carry it out.